The Hidden Glasgow Forums

What do you call a Native American proctologist?

Big Chief Jobby Jabber.

Wee Sammy goes out for a night on the tiles with the lads. They go from pub to pub, having a couple of pints here and a couple there, and eventually winding up at a party in a posh looking house.

Sammy wakes up the next morning on a park bench with no clue how he got there. He pats himself down and discovers his wallet's missing, but he kind of remembers taking it out at the party.

Still feeling as rough as a badgers arse, Sammy starts wandering the streets, hoping to see a landmark he recognises. The only thing he can remember about the house where the party was, was it had a red front door and a golden toilet.

After a while, the streets start to look familiar, and he spots a posh looking house with a red door.

He smartens himself up as best he can, and knocks on the door.
A snooty looking middle aged woman answers, "Can I help you?"
"Um, I hope so." says Sammy, "Is this the house with the golden toilet?"#
The woman looks at him as if he's something nasty she's just scraped off her shoe, turns and calls into the house, "Henry! This is the wee bastard that pished in your tuba!"

Do dairy farmers ever experience Deja Moo? "I have seen this cow before."

Lifted from Facepalm...

Three men die on Xmas eve. To get into heaven, St Peter says, "You must have something that represents Christmas". The Englishman flicks on his lighter and says, "It's a candle". St Peter lets him pass. The Welshman jingles a bunch of keys and says, "They're sleigh bells". St Peter lets him pass. The Irishman pulls out a G-string and bra. St Peter says, "How the f*ck do they represent Christmas...?", to which Paddy replies, "They're Carol's".

A young man meets his girlfriend's parents for the first time.

He's chatting away to dad, when the old fella says "You should know, my daughter has acute angina.

"Oh aye," says our hero, "She's got a lovely pair of tits as well."

Borrowed from a friend on Facebook.


A couple of my friends are holding a joint party for Chinese new year and Burns night called Chinese-Burns night.

I wasn't too keen but they twisted my arm.

a limbo dancer walks into a bar...............................................well that was him disqualified.

Last time he played Glasgow, Tony Christie couldn't find the venue he was to be at.

He kept asking people "Is this the way to the Armadillo?"