The Hidden Glasgow Forums

Guy sticks his head round the living room door and says to the wife "This weather's terrible. I fancy a night in the pub .. get your coat on"

Wife, usually stuck indoors, says "Oh, so you're actually asking me along?"

Bloke says "Fuck no, I'm putting the heating off while I'm out."

Met a new girl in the pub last night.

"Hi" I said "The name's Bond"

"James Bond I suppose?" she replied,

"No, it's Uni Bond I'm here to fill your crack" I said.

Hillary Clinton decided to send a letter to Donald Trump to let him know what she thought of him.

Donald opened the letter and found a coded single line.

370H55V 0773H

He couldn't work it out so he called his wife and kids but they didn't have a clue. So they tried the FBI.
They couldn't help, neither could the CIA or NASA. So they sent it to Britain and MI5. for help.

Within minutes they E-mailed the reply,


"Tell Mr.Trump he's holding the letter upside down"

Who is the coolest guy in the hospital?
The ultra-sound man.

And after him?
The hip replacement guy.

I'll get my coat.

Durachdan,

Eddy

met a german girl in the pub last night
i said to her "from zero to ten whats the chance of me getting some of das booty"?
"NINE" she said.

think im in with a chance here.

Following on from the Icelandic government suing frozen food shops Iceland over the use of the name, the Bank of England are considering suing Poundland.

The latest toy has just hit the shops, a talking Muslim doll. Nobody knows what it says yet, as no one has the balls to pull the cord.

A guy burst into a couples bedroom brandishing a shotgun while they were in bed and shouted "Am gonnae kill yous", then he asked the woman her name.

The woman stammered "M-m-m-argaret".

The gunman said "I cannae kill you cos ma Maws name wis Margaret", then he went on to ask the quivering husband's name.


Husband pulls the duvet down from covering his face and says "Rab .. but they call me Margaret at ma work".

telt ye doorstop wisnae deid.good yin big yin.

Cheers Banjo.

Here's another to be getting along with:

Auld Agnes and Senga are outside their nursing home, having a cup of tea and a smoke and a smoke when it starts to rain.

Senga pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Agnes says "What in the name of the wee man is that?". Senga says " It's a rubber johnnie . This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Agnes says "Here! That's a brilliant idea! Where did you get it?"

Senga says "Och, you can get them by the box at any chemist. They're awfy cheap."

The next day, Agnes hobbles herself into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist (a devout Christian) that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesnae matter son, as long as it fits on a Camel."

..

The chemist took six weeks off on the sick

Opened a Christmas card this morning and a load of rice poured out............it was from Uncle Ben.

mercury wrote:Opened a Christmas card this morning and a load of rice poured out............it was from Uncle Ben.

I went to the library this morning and asked if they had a book on "How to spot a lady-boy".
He said, "Yes we do, .....Ive got it tucked away somewhere",
.
.
"Thats the very one" i said

yesssssssssssssss.

a guy goes into the butchers and asks for a pound of whats what.the butcher says hes never heard of it.guy comes in the next day and asks for a pound of whats what.butcher says he has no such thing.on the third day the guy walks in and points over the butcher and says whats that? the butcher replies whats what?the guy says good give us a pound.