A wee joke

[br-cmr]

It was "Torn Rubber" when I heard it....

[Lone Groover]

Torn rubber..good one

[Doorstop]

Priest is walking down the road when he sees a young lad, sitting on the kerb with his pet dog, playing with a small glass bottle. As he gets closer he notices the bottle has a skull and crossbones marked prominently on the label. Being curious he says to the urchin "What's in the bottle son?".

"Concentrated sulphuric acid." replies the boy.

Somewhat alarmed at this the father reaches for the bottle and says "You better give that to me son, it could be dangerous."

"Fuck off!! .." says the young lad "I don't walk into your chapel and demand you hand over your Holy Water, so you're no' gettin' ma acid .. that's that!".

The Priest says "Holy water is a different matter son, it's not dangerous .. in fact it's magical."

"Shite! .. " says the lad, ".. what do mean it's magical?".

"Well .. " says the Father, ".. it's blessed by God and it can be used for all sorts of good and wonderful acts of the church."

"Like what?" says our curious street monkey.

The father thinks for a minute and says "Take the other night, I was called to the hospital where a poor young Mother was in desperate difficulties in the maternity ward. Try as they might the Doctors couldn't deliver her baby, she was slowly dying, as was her baby. Well, I just sprinkled some of my Holy Water on the womans' stomach and she passed the child."

The boy shakes his head and holds up his little bottle of acid, points to his pit-bull and says "That's nothing .. I sprinkled some of this on his bollocks last night and he passed two Polis motors and a Ferrari."

[BrigitDoon]

That has to be the same lad with the fire-engine, surely?

[Doorstop]

Ronaldo's a bit fuckin' keen isn't he?

He didn't even make it out of the tunnel before he smashed one straight into the wall.

[BrigitDoon]

Yup.

Breaks my heart to see Maranello's finest so roughly used. Saw something similar with a 50's Ferrari at Goodwood '96 when it hit the hay-bails on the hill climb. At least it gave it's life in the line of duty. I'm sorry; I can't offer up a suitable humorous response for Doorstop's inexorable wit; this post rightly belongs in the "Old Cars" thread.

When I was Christiano Ronaldo's age, only dickheads with big mouths and millions could get insurance for such as an F40 or 512TR.

It's unlikely he'll be allowed to buy another one. It's one thing to be Gilles Villeneuve and race everything to destruction, but it's not for footy-whores with enough ego to inflate the Good Year blimp.

Bburago from now on you tart.

Fucking wanker.

[hazy]

Good Morning
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me
and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me
this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still
dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her
and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to
the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that
all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'

[Doorstop]

A vicar gets on a train. In his carriage is a group of five fine looking young ladies.

To break the ice, the vicar offers round his bag of Werther's Original and then asks, "So, what do you young ladies do?"

"We do panto. We're currently starring in Dick Whittington!" reply the girls.

"That's fabulous. Which parts do you take?"

The first lady says, "I take the part of the cat."

The second lady continues, "I take the part of Buttons."

"Really?" asks the vicar. "Who takes Dick?"

"Well, I do ... " says the third girl, " ... but it'll cost you a lot more than a fuckin' Werther's Original!"

[Doorstop]

What's the difference between Princess Di and Ronaldo?


Paul Burrell's never worn Ronaldo's knickers.

[Fossil]

Made me chuckle
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/4/20090109/twl-jilted-hubby-wants-stake-in-kidney-41f21e0.html

[zoidberg]

What's the difference between Princess Di and Ronaldo?


Paul Burrell's never worn Ronaldo's knickers.

[zoidberg]

Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden. After being tempted by the horrible snake, they could resist each other no longer. They made love - a beautiful moment. For the first time a man and a woman had come together in the ultimate act of love.

After they were finished Adam rolled over and lit up a cigarette, while Eve wandered down to the river bank to 'ahem' clean herself up a bit.

At that moment God looked down from on high and groaned "F**kin' Hell, I'm never going to get the smell out of those fish!"

[BrigitDoon]

My grandad was forever telling tall stories, jokes and anecdotes and you could never tell whether he was being serious or not... He was good value, and for many reasons. Everyone loved him and his funeral was the only one I've been to that wasn't miserable.

By way of comparison, the nearest we have is Doorstop for wit and humour and it's a shame we'll never bring the two together. Anyway, here's a daft bit of nonsense that he told us when we were kids...

We had an uncle Ellis. Actually he was a great-fer-how-many Uncle Ellis and Grampfer teased us with a story when we were knee high and gullible.

Uncle Ellis was working on a road gang, filling in the potholes. Unfortunately, his mind was of the wandering persuasion and when his mates yelled at him to get out of the way of the road-roller, he was somewhere away from the planet, out with the asteroids.

Poor Uncle Ellis went under the front wheel of the road-roller and came out the other side flat as a pancake.

"What to do with Ellis?", they wondered. "We can't leave him here."

"We shall have to take him home to Mary."

"Well, ah! But who's going to do the explaining?"

Wanting a plan, they folded Ellis up and John put him under his arm and to the King's Head they went to formulate a strategy. Several pints of Butcombe later, they felt braced to face Mary, and made their way to her front door. They knocked on the door but there was no reply.

"Bugger! Of course 'tis Thursday. Mary'll be down the Legion Hall for the bingo."

So they unfurled poor old Ellis, slid him under the door and went back to the pub.

History does not record Mary's reaction to her "postcard".

...and we actually believed this load of old rubbish!

[hazy]

I am going to finish some things I started at the new year. The first thing is that other half of the vodka the half crate of beer and the rest of those Tamazapan pills that have been ling in the cupboard. Fuck do I feel good.

[br-cmr]

A cow, a horse and a sheep were in bed...

The cow, feeling a little cramped, said "MOOve over...."

The horse, happy to accommodate, said "NEIGH Problem..." and rolled over, knocking the sheep out of bed.

The sheep said "BAAstards...."